Intentions: Overcoming Limiting Belief Part 3

To know your intentions, you will need to ask the why question.

Know your Intentions

In this blog post,  I will be covering the 2nd element of the next 3 steps to overcoming limiting belief.  The first two parts of this 5-part series on Overcoming Limiting Belief was on identifying the limiting belief that you want to overcome, and the Mindset change that needs to occur.  Click the links above to check them out.

In this post, I will be going through the next part which is Intentions.  The why.  Why do you want to change?  Why do you want to take the steps to move from limiting belief or a limiting posture to one that is empowering and growing?

As a quick recap on what we have covered in the past 2 posts:

  • Identify the specific limiting belief that you want to challenge and change.  You need to acknowledge and know what the limiting beliefs that you want to overcome.
  • Mindset.  Changing the mindset consists of 3 parts:
    • Intentional retraining of your mind or thoughts.
    • Consistent training of your thoughts
    • Determined resolved in keeping on.

Let’s start.  The focus now is on intentions and how that will lead to meaning actions.  There are 3 steps that you will need to do:

  1. Ask and answer the why. 
  2. Visualise or reconceptualize what it would be like if you did not have this limiting belief. 
  3. Align the why with the what.  Aligning your intentions with the actions or steps that you need to take.

Let’s break each of the 3 parts down.

Ask and Answer the WHY. 

Start with uncovering the reason or reasons for change.  To do that, it is through asking why.  Simon Sinek’s in his book “Start with Why” talks about knowing the purpose or intention of why you are doing what you are doing.  The clearer and deeper your intentions, the deeper and more meaningful the reasons, the more committed you are to the doing.  Let us start with asking: Why do you want to overcome this specific limiting belief? You might have to ask yourself many why questions before you are able to get to the heart of the intention.  You need to have clarity and be specific.   Write them down. 

For example, the limiting belief that you want to overcome is the “I am not good at public speaking”.  Write down all the reason why you want to overcome it as well as what is holding you back.  It could be because of career advancement, business growth and opportunities, it is holding you back from exploring other options or opportunities as well as the fear of failure and so on.

The intentions will drive the reason for the change.  If the intention is superficial, the attempt at change will be superficial as well.  For example, if I want to lose weight, say 1 kg, just because the doctor told me to, I could achieve it in the short term but there is nothing in that intent that will drive long term behavioural changes.  I could just starve for a week and lose that 1 kg and I would not be able to maintain and change my lifestyle in the long term.  Not only was this reason superficial, but it could also potentially be harmful.  Your why must be deep and meaningful.  Most people who are successful at weight loss is because they have found a deeper reason and will likely involve the desire to be living a healthy lifestyle because they would like to spend and enjoy as much time with the people they love as possible.

People who are clear on the why or their intentions are purposeful and intentional in what they choose to spend their time and energy on.  The why will help you remove the distractions, the nice-to-have, the-follow-the-crowd trend, and anything that drives you away from what you are purposed to do.

One of the best methods to get clarity is to write down your answers and with each answer, keep on asking why until you discover or uncover a common theme.  For example, I had the desire to challenge a long held limiting belief of “I am not good at art and therefore I am not artistic or creative.”  What started out as just not being able to draw turned into the whole category of art and creativity.  I had to ask myself the following questions:

  • Why do I belief that I am not good at draw which leads to not being creative?
  • Why am I defining creative to just being good at drawing?
  • What are the other avenues of creativity?
  • What have I done that would be considered creative?
  • Why am I not trying to see if I can be good in other areas of creativity?
  • What am I holding on to this limiting belief?  Does it make me feel good?  Am I afraid of being disappointed?  Am I expecting perfection?

After a series of questions, my answers had a common theme around being afraid to fail.  I had then decided what learning about painting and to truly see just how far I could go if I truly tried.  That took me on a journey of learning a new skill and a lot of knowledge in the process.  This journey has been amazing, and I have not only enjoyed the painting process, but I have also started to notice and observe colours and designs that I had taken for granted or just never saw before. 

This leads to the next step which is to reconceptualise or visualise.

Visualise or reconceptualise.  This step is all about replacing the limiting with intentional thoughts.

Visualise or re-conceptualise what it would look like when you do not have this limiting belief.  Replace the limiting belief with the why you are doing this.  Reconceptualise the intention into the new empowering belief. 

For example, replace “I am not good at public speaking” to “My intent is to help others by sharing my experience and knowledge and one way that I can do effectively is through public speaking.  Therefore, I am going to learn and be better at public speaking”. 

The key here is to change words like not good or can’t to remind yourself of your intention, the why and include words that will help you focus on learning and growing.

Visualise is one of the things that my golf coach would tell me especially when it comes to putting.  He would say, visualise the ball going into the hole.  Now of course I would also say “yeah I am visualising but the ball still isn’t going into the hole!”  there are other factors going into supporting the visualising exercise such as the knowledge of what to do.  Just like the golf example, part of the process is to visualise and the other part is knowing how to putt.  It is like, I can visualise all I want but if I don’t aim, estimate the speed and how much to power to hit the ball, all visualise will do is just that, visualise. 

Therefore, after visualising, it is also the know-how of what to do next and this leads to the next part.

Align the why with the what.

Aligning your intentions with the actions or steps that you need to take.  For example, to overcome the limiting belief of “I am not good at public speaking” to “I can learn to be better at public speaking”, I will need to focus the actions that I will need to do with learning to be better at public speaking.  Steps that you would need to take to learn would include, attending a public speaking workshop, reading about techniques and tips and tricks on public speaking, watching, observing, and learning from a good public speaker, reviewing and learning from your previous public speaking engagement and so on. 

Each step is intentional and aligned to the purpose.  Alignment is important in that we do not want to waste time and effort on actions that do not directly help you.  For example, learning how to write better speeches while useful does not directly align with the intention.

Let me summarise the 3 key parts to intentions:

  1. Ask and answer the why.  Be crystal clear with your intentions.  Know the motivations.  This will help you put in the effort and time because it has become important and a priority for you.
  2. Visualise or reconceptualize to an empowering belief.  Replace the limiting with empowering belief.  Focus on words and thoughts that are forward looking.  Replace words such as can’t or not good with can learn or can improve to help get you started.
  3. Align the why with the what.  Align your intentions with the actions and steps that you need to take.  Alignment enables prioritization, focus and effort management.

In this coming week, let’s start to overcome the limiting belief by being crystal clear on your intentions or the why.  In the next episode, I will be covering the next part of the 3 steps to overcoming limiting belief which is supporting structure or the How.

As always, Thank you for taking the time to read my blog post.  You are able to listen to the podcast below as well.   I hope that you have learned at least one thing that you are able to apply into your everyday life. Please subscribe and set the notification so that you will know when that episode is available. 

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Mindset: The First of the next 3 steps to Overcoming Limiting Belief.

Mindset:  How to change your mindset to propel you forward?

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In my previous blog post, Start the journey to Overcoming Limiting Belief, I covered the starting point of the journey to overcoming limiting belief.  It starts with understanding what is a limiting belief and the starting point.  If you have missed it, you can check it out here.

In this blog post, I will be going through the second part of the next 3 steps that you will need to take in your quest to overcoming limiting belief.  This step is your mindset.

Let me quickly summarise the 3 key aspects of knowing your limiting belief.

  1. Identify the limiting belief.  Be specific.  Write it down.
  2. Identify the rewards and benefits of what it would be like if you did not have the limiting belief.  What are the possibilities if you did not have the limiting belief. Write it down.   
  3. Identify and start to think about what actions you can take.  And write it down.

Truth be told it is the easiest of all the steps as it is just putting into our conscious mind what the limiting belief is and exploring possibilities for when the limiting belief is no longer limiting but enabling you to move forward. 

Hence the next question, what’s the next step?

First of the next 3 steps is your MINDSET.  More specifically how you can change your mindset or perception.  Limiting belief is a mindset or a thought process.  I heard this great saying “The direction of your life is influenced by your strongest thought.”  Therefore, if your strongest thought is empowering, open to learning and growing and positive, the direction of your life will most probably be a reflection of that.  Conversely if your strongest thoughts are negative, toxic and limiting, the direction of your life will reflect that.  Another note to consider is that is no one consciously sets out goals to fail or as an example to be the worse employee of the month, but it is the subconscious mindset that drives your thoughts that will determine the true motivation and ultimately the behaviour and action.  It is therefore critical that the mindset change take place before the behaviour modification.

Mindset changes requires 3 parts:

  1. Intentional training of your thoughts.
  2. Consistent Thought Training.
  3. Determined resolved in training

In order for the new mindset to set up residence in your thought life you will need to put all those 3 elements in place.

I would like to you close your eyes and imagine, you are wearing a pair glasses.  Every negative or toxic thought that you have had leaves a mark on the glasses and over time, the dirt will build up and everything that you see through those lenses will be blurred by the dirt and grime that is left behind.  Your view or perspective is now determined by what you are now seeing through those lenses.  Over time, you will not even realise that you have been viewing the world through those muddy, dirty lenses, instead believing that your view of the world to be true.  Limiting belief is like that.  It is built over time and unless you take the effort to correct that, your mindset will be limited as your view is blurred. 

To clean those dirty glasses up, you will need to wipe off the grime so that you are able to see clearly and you will be surprise with what you can now see.  In the same way, you will need to clean up your thought patterns to change your mind or to change your mindset.  It might seem to be daunting but not impossible. 

It does require intentional training of your thoughts, consistent applications of your thoughts, words and actions and a determined resolved to keep on keeping on when the going gets tough. 

Intentional training of your thoughts.

You must be intentional with how you want to clean your thought patterns.  You will need to train yourself to think about what you are thinking about.  I know, that sounds silly but unfortunately, it is something that we do not a lot of.  Just because a thought comes into the mind, does not mean that it is true, real or worth thinking more about. 

For example, I am currently learning to play the piano and when a thought that says that I am no good at playing the piano pops into my head, it does not mean that it is true.  It does not mean that I need to entertain that thought.  In the example, I would have a meeting with myself and intentionally train my thoughts to think “I might not be good at this skill at this moment, but it does not mean that I am no good.  With practice I can be good at it, I just need to give myself time, patience and put in the effort because I know that it is a skill that I can learn.” I am intentionally training a new thought pattern. I am replacing the limiting thoughts with this more empowering thought that moves me forward.

This leads to the next part which is:

Consistent Thought Training.

In order to learn anything, there is a need to be consistent in application.  Consistent set of actions that needs to be executed or your training programme.  For example, I am in the quest this year of learning to play the piano.  I know that in order for me to learn this skill, and just about any skill, I will need to put in the effort, the practice hours.  I also know that the initial learning curve is always the hardest.  In order for me to come up a with consistent application, I will need to set aside time to practice.  We all know that practice does not make perfect, but it does make permanence. 

I will need to consistently train or reprogramme my thought patterns to reflect the new thoughts that I want to replace the limiting thoughts with.  In this case, every time a limiting thought comes, I will replace it with a new thought that acknowledges the current situation and thoughts that will empower and move me forward with words such as “can learn” or “will grow”.  For example, I will train my thoughts to “I am able to learn to play this music piece with practice, be patient and be kind to myself and enjoy the process.”

Remember, this training process takes time and do not be discouraged if it seems like your thought pattern has not changed after one day. It will take time and what you will notice is that with each day, the limiting thoughts or belief will slowly grow softer while your empowering thoughts will grow louder. 3 months down the line, once the new empowering thoughts take up residence in your thought life, it will become your default thought.

Determined Resolved.

This step is essential to keep the intentional and consistent thought training to stay its course. Determined resolved involves being determined to see the challenge through. I would like you to imagine, walking up a hill or mountain.  When you first look up and see the hill and just how high and far it is, it seems daunting and impossible.  However, if you just take it one step at a time, and yes with lots of huffing and puffing, by just focusing on one step at a time, you will be able to reach the summit.  It might be hard, and it will take time, but you will get there. 

Your level of determination will enable you to push through the hard and challenging times.  Know and prepare your expectations appropriately.  You will face challenges and trying times.  That’s just part and parcel of the journey.  The key that differentiates someone who succeeds from others is their determined resolved or grit. 

To change your mindset which has been built over a long period of time requires intentional, consistent and determined resolved.  The good news is that you can change your mind and therefore you can change your mindset.  Limiting belief is just that, it is a limiting mindset.  It can be changed.  Remember, the direction of your life is influenced by your strongest thought and if you have resolved to change that, you can.

Let me summarise the 3 parts to changing your mindset. 

  1. Intentional training of your thought life.  Think about what you are thinking about.  Think thoughts are positive, encouraging, empowering such as I am skillful in this area or my strengths are in problem solving, creative, analytical, and so on.  Do not entertain thoughts that are negative or destructive or limiting.  When those limiting thoughts come in, just replace it with your new set of thoughts or mantras.  There is no point arguing with your negative thoughts.  Replace it with empowering thoughts and take the next step.
  2. Consistent thought training.  If you have decided to learn a new skill, consistent action or practice is the only path for you to become better at it.  You will need to train your thought life just like you would train your physical body.  Remember practice makes permanence.  Step by step just like the example of walking up a hill.  Every step that you take, takes you closer to the summit.
  3. Determined resolve.  You must be determined that you want to achieve or change.  Remember the direction of your life is determined by your strongest thought.  Know and even expect challenges and tough situations.  That’s the reason, you must make up your mind up front that you will push through and take the next step.

In this coming week, let’s start by changing your mindset around your limiting belief.  In the next post, I will be covering the second aspect of the next 3 steps to overcoming limiting belief which is intentions (Why are you doing it?). 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope that you have learned at least one thing that you are able to apply into your everyday life. Please subscribe and set the notification so that you will know when the next blog is available.  Please share the blog with your friends and as always step into the everyday with purpose.

Please share the blog with your friends and as always step into the everyday with purpose. You can also listen to the podcast below:

        

Start the journey to overcoming limiting beliefs

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be accomplishing so much?  What propels some people to do the things that you would consider as “risky” or “courageous”? One of the reasons, lies in our belief, our belief system.  Our belief system can either propel us forward or stops and limits our learning potential.  Limiting beliefs as the name suggest, hold us back or limits our learning potential.  Do you have a desire to challenge and to overcome the barriers that are holding you back?  In this episode, I will be sharing how you can start the process of overcoming your limiting belief.

Our belief system will either propels us to a learning and growing mindset or prevents and stops you from moving forward, hence the term limiting beliefs.  Our belief system is developed over time based on knowledge and experience.  Depending on whether the experiences were positive or negatives, our belief system will either propel us to do more or limits us in order to prevent risk or hurt.

Limiting beliefs starts out from mistakes or small setbacks.  In order for us not to experience any further disappointment, we will naturally move away from an activity or action or thought that has caused us harm.  Over time, these beliefs shape the way we think and perceive the people and situation around us.  I have held many long-term limiting beliefs.  One of which was that I had no drawing talents whatsoever.  This was further reinforced by the fact that the only subject in school that I have ever failed was Art.  Just to keep things in perspective, I still draw people as sticks.  When I played Pictionary, it is a miracle how anyone could possible guess what I am drawing.  Let’s just say it is not a pretty sight. 

2 years ago as part of my Theme of the Year, Overcoming Limiting Belief, I decided that maybe I should think about challenging that limiting belief.  Now, the goal is not to be a Picasso but to see if I could overcome this limiting belief and what the possibilities would be.  I decided to do try a few experiments on myself.  Instead of drawing, what if I looked at alternatives such as painting or hand lettering etc.  to try out different variations of “drawing”. 

I signed up for a “sip and paint” session which claimed that even people who could not draw or have never painted could paint.  Now of course the “sip” part of the paint was partly the motivation.  It was exciting as the session started and after 3 hours of full concentration (mostly fun times), the outcome of that was in my eyes a pretty good copy of the subject.  That was the start of my painting journey. 

  1. Painting and in most cases, any skill, is a learned skill.  You will need to learn, techniques, processes and of course practice.  Any new skill will take time to learn and the initial learning curve will always be steep but once you have put into practice the techniques and processes, you will develop skills around the subject matter.
  2. Setting the right Expectations.  Expectations are critical in terms of how you will view the learning process.  If you have the wrong expectation, for example, if I had expected to be an expert painter after 1 lesson, I am clearly setting myself up for failure.  It is unrealistic and not achievable.  When you set the right expectation and appropriate milestones, you are then able to embark on learning anything on the right path.   Let’s take my painting example, my expectation of that session was to have fun, learn maybe one thing about painting and see what happens.  During and after the session, not only did I enjoy it, but because the outcome, the painting was somewhat decent, I deemed that as an overwhelming success. 
  3. Be open to new challenges and possibilities.  I went into the session with an open mind and ready to overcome my limiting belief.  I wanted to see just what happen if I gave it a shot.  Not just be there but to really try.  If I put in the effort, what would the result be.  I believe that you too will be pleasantly surprise with what you can achieve if you gave it go.
  4. You need to put in the effort and do it.  There is no point paying lip service to wanting to overcome limiting belief if you are not willing to put in the effort.  As they say, practice makes permanence.
  5. A sense of accomplishment.  It is rather amazing how from a blank canvas, the end result is a painting.  That painting will a symbol for me to keep challenging my limiting beliefs.

Realistically there are limitations to what my skills are, but it is not about being “perfect” or the “best”.  It is about being and doing the best that I can.  Not for other people but for myself.  It is about not letting fear of failure dictate my choices but to allow failure to teach me what possibilities are still ahead of me.

I would like to challenge you to think about one limiting belief that you would like to overcome.  It could be anything.  In fact the next time, you hear yourself saying, I can’t do that.  Stop and ask yourself, why can’t I do that?  What is stopping me from doing it?  What limiting belief am I entertaining?  Then start the process of challenging that limiting belief through 3 simple steps:

  1. Identify the limiting belief.  What is the limiting belief?  Once you are able to identify it, you are able to tackle it. For example, you have identified a limiting belief around public speaking. This limiting belief is because you have never spoken in public before. Specifically, you are afraid of the reaction or lack of reaction from the audience. Write it down. You have now identified and named the specific limiting belief.
  2. Identify the Potential rewards or benefits.  What am I missing out on because of this limiting belief?  Is the benefit or reward more powerful than the limiting belief? Think about all the potential rewards and benefits if you overcame your limiting belief. Write down all the possibilities for your career or work if you did not have the limiting belief of public speaking.
  3. Identify and execute Small simple steps.  What small simple step can I take to overcome this limiting belief?  Now that you have identified the specific limiting belief and its potential rewards, the next step is to actually face it. Identify steps that you would need to do to overcome the fear of reaction from the audience. For example, it could be to attend a public speaking course to learn the techniques and various presentation methods. Break that one step down to even smaller simpler step such as ask a friend who has attended such course for a recommendation, check out the registration details and options, make decision on the date to attend the course. The idea behind breaking the steps down to smaller ones is to ensure that it becomes so simple that it is hard for you to avoid taking the first step.

Start small and simple.  Don’t be overly ambitious or have unrealistic goals.  Every step that you take is one step closer to overcoming the limiting belief while every step that you are not taking is further entrenching that limiting belief.

I appreciate your support and hope that you have learned at least one new thing.  After all, learning just one new thing each day and to be able to put into practice is the best outcome for all growth mindset individual.

Please subscribe and provide your feedback or comments as we are all in this journey of growth together.

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New Year, New Theme, New You!

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I know that tradition dictates that you start the new year with new year resolution.  Most people’s new year resolution last for about 30 days and if you are really motivated, maybe 2 months.  Most people will give up, lose interest, get distracted and decide that it is not worth the effort either because you are not seeing results or because it is just better to go back to the good old days.  Doing something different, creating new habits or stopping old habits and getting past your comfort zone is always an uphill battle.  The worse part is that you end up feeling defeated, demoralised, disappointed and discouraged.  After some time of this, some have basically given up on the whole idea of a new year resolution or a new you.  After all, I have failed so many times, why would this be any different?

I get it, after all, I have experienced all of that.  That is the main reason I have changed my approach to having a theme or a word for the year.  New Year resolution by nature is very specific and goal or metric centric.  For example, I want to lose 10 pounds.  To lose 10 pounds, I have to exercise and consume less calories that my base caloric needs.  2 big things that I need to do.  Exercise and Eat Less.  When you further break down the 2 requirements, there are many more steps and action items that I would need to take before I can even experience an ounce of weight loss.  It is simply too hard and requires too much of my energy and determination to sustain over a short- and long-term period.  It is far easier to achieve something when the goals and the steps that are required are small, simple and manageable.

Therein lies the concept of Theme or Word of the year.  It is simpler and more inspiration and all encompassing.  You are able to interpret, apply and action the theme in any circumstances.  For example, if you have a theme of the year that is centred around a word, take Grateful.  How you apply gratefulness in your everyday life is more of a function of your mindset and perspective instead of any specific effort or action or to be concern with achieving a certain number.

Once you have established a theme for the year and you can then decide what that would look like.  For example, you might decide that for the month of January, you would explore how you could be grateful within the confines of your relationships.  You might want to express your gratitude to the people that you work with, your friends, family and so on.  You would think about a few ways that you can action it, from as simple as saying thank you to writing a thank you note to maybe even buying a gift to show your appreciation.  The next month it could be in another area.  The possibilities are endless.  An if you happen to “forget’ or skip a day or a month, just bring it back it as it is an attitude and mindset.  It is not an unachieved or unmet goal or a number that you did not reach.  In order to achieve grateful mindset, a habit, requires 63 days for it to be developed and entrenched. 

You can literally put into action and create new habits one act at a time based on the theme for the year.  To put into practice the theme, you can decide how it is to be embedded into whatever that you are doing.  With practice, your mindset will change to filter what you think and do through the theme filter. Your habits can be optimized or modified based on a small change in how your think and act.

I have personally been practicing this for the last 5 years and I have found it to be life changing.  Life changing because:

  1. I don’t feel guilty or as a failure if I do achieve a “goal”.  That is the freedom and the advantage of this.  I have the freedom to implement the theme as I go along and change the actions incrementally.  I can then create specific goals if I choose to.
  2. Intentional practice and application. I choose to incorporate the theme consciously and intentionally.  I become more intentional with what I do, and my mindset is always thinking about what I could do differently depending on the theme of the year. Questions such as “What am I grateful for today? “
  3. It’s a growth vs. goal-oriented mindset.  A theme should challenge you to always be looking for new ways to incorporate it and a natural by-product of that is a growth mindset.  You will focus your learning and reading materials around the theme of the year.  It helps you to focus without hemming you in a set series of goals.
  4. Expansive vs. Limiting.  The theme applies to any and every area of your life not just in one area that you have set.  You can incorporate it in your attitude, behavior, habits, perspective and mindset.  It is not solely based on your actions. 
  5. Experiment and test the boundaries.  The theme is as big or small as you want it to be.  You can start small and as your confidence grows, expand the boundaries.

If you are discouraged by new year resolution, try this out.  I learned it from Melinda Gates who spoke about how she has a word for the year.  That word will then help her to focus on what she is doing during the year.  I thought that it was a great idea and decided to try it out and have not looked back since.  It has helped me to overcome limiting belief, step out of my comfort zone and to be fruitful.

I appreciate your support and hope that you have learned at least one new thing.  After all, learning just one new thing each day and to be able to put into practice is the best outcome for all growth mindset individual.

Please subscribe and provide your feedback or comments as we are all in this journey of growth together.

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5 Steps to turn Disappointments to Growth Opportunities

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Disappointments are appointments to development

It is safe to say that no one likes to go through or suffer disappointments.  It is also safe to say that no one has never suffered disappointments.  Disappointments are part and parcel of life.  Disappointments are directly proportionate to how much we want to risk.  The more risk you take whether it is putting your dreams, expectations, hopes and goals out there, the higher the chances of facing disappointments.  Why?  Simple really, you only face disappointments when something that matters to you does not turn out the way you expected. 

You won’t feel disappointed if you don’t put yourself in a place of vulnerability or take the risk to not succeed.  People who don’t face much disappointments probably live a very “safe” or risk-free one.  Not ever going out of their comfort zone.  The benefit of that is a pretty much “comfort zone filled” life without much excitement.  I know people who are extremely comfortable and sometimes I do envy them but most of time I do wish that they could experience more, broaden their thinking and not just envy others for doing the things that they wish they could have done themselves.

Disappointments however does not define who you are.  In fact, disappointments are growth drivers that can propel us forward if we choose to let it.  We can be disappointed with people, outcomes, situation and pretty much just about anything and anyone that does not meet a certain expectation.  Afterall, the depth of disappointment is tied to the depth of the expectations.

Recently I faced a pretty huge disappointment.  The disappointment was not about anyone or anything but more about my expectation and intention that did not produce the intended outcome.  In fact, it was the opposite outcome, instead of helping, it caused grief.  A great reminder, harsh as it may be, that intention and impact or outcome does not always go hand in hand.  Afterall, no one intents to be selfish or grows up with the desire to be selfish but the impact to others could be perceived as selfish by your actions or behaviours.

As I was trying to navigate the emotions that come with disappointments, after all, no negative emotion comes alone, it likes plenty of company.  Along with feeling disappointed, I also felt hurt, angry, confused and wishing that I had done things differently.  One of the personal benefits of being a coach is the awareness of these triggers and I am able to “coach” myself. 

Navigating these emotions and finding a constructive path out of it to find the gems of disappointment is essential in turning disappointments into growth opportunities.

I basically followed steps that were introduced by Dr. Caroline Leaf.  In a nutshell, these 5 steps are:

  1. Acknowledge.  Acknowledge the emotions, situation and thoughts.  Don’t deny it or avoid it.  That never works and in fact probably will make things worse for you in the long run.
  2. Re-conceptualise.  Refocus or rethink the situation and ask yourself Why?  Why are you feeling this way?  Why are you feeling hurt?  Why should this situation cause me to feel this way?  Ask until you find a common theme or answer.
  3. Write it down. Writing your thoughts down is one of the most powerful self-awareness and diagnostic tool that you have.  When we are able to write our thoughts and emotions down, we are able to articulate and see patterns and themes much clearer than just have “self-talk” taking place in the mind.  We are also able to stop the repetitive cycle in our minds which typically will enlarge the negativity or create a bigger problem than it is really is.  The over-emphasis of negativity takes place and that’s the last thing that we want to do.
  4. Read and edit the narrative.  Writing it down and reading it makes it real in that we are able to visualise the situation.  We are then able to analyse the situation somewhat objectively and logically.  We are then able to edit the narrative but replacing the critical lense of criticism with a lense of a learner.  What can I learn from this?  For example, you might have written down.. I am disappointed with this negative feedback about my lack of leadership skills.  In another word, I suck at it.  I should just quit now.  What’s the point?  How would you edit the narrative?  You could now choose to find the learning opportunities.  I now know that this is an area that I need to develop, and this is what I will need to do to develop this skill.  I am going to attend this particular training, learn from this book, get help from a mentor or coach and so on.  I am not going to give up but address this skill gap.  I know that I have skills in this area else I would not have been in this leadership position.  I just need to intentional develop this skill it.
  5. Turn the disappointment into growth learnings and opportunities.  When we are able to identify the cause of the disappointments, we are then able to move forward to figuring out what can we learn from it.  We can then start to ask forward or goal-oriented questions such as, What areas do we need to improve?  What needs to change?  What needs to stop?  What needs to start?  Build and have a plan.

Looks easy enough and in essence it is once we start the process.  However, it does not mean that after doing all those 5 steps, you will not still have emotions or thoughts of disappointments.  What you are able to do instead is to acknowledge the emotions and then refocus your thoughts on the learning or growth opportunities action items. 

It could look something like this. 

  • Feeling disappointed and remembering the situation or the words that caused the disappointment.
  • Acknowledge it by saying, Yes, I am feeling disappointed about this and that.
  • Then refocus your thoughts on what you have learned and your action item.  You could say something like this, “However, this is the plan moving forward to make the best out of the situation as I have learned this and that.  I am going to make the best of this situation and be better for it.”

It is process that you will have to repeat more than once.  In fact, at the start, it will be one that you will have to repeat and remind yourself frequently and consistently until the thoughts are “built” into your mindset.  This will take days to get to a point where the disappointment does not cause negative emotions, but the learnings become part of your habit and actions.

Don’t be disappointed if it does not work the first time, it is a process and it takes effort and time.  Your thoughts need to be trained or disciplined depending on how you view it.  Just like building new habits, it will happen when we intentionally and consistently practice it.  The outcome is certainly way better than being stuck in disappointment.  Growth is so much better.

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