Tag Archives: Self-awareness

The 3 Curses of Confidence

There is a lot to be said about confidence.  It is important that we have confidence in who we are and what we can do.  Confidence allows us to accomplish activities, gives us courage to experiment and try out new things and helps us to negotiate challenges by providing us with an inner strength and determination.  We can see people who have confidence and those who lack confidence.  We see it in people depending on whether they are familiar with certain situations or task.  We see how a baker is confident with baking bread but may not be confident when it comes to technology.  Confidence is a product of learned skills and the more you are familiar in a certain area, the most confident you are.  So, the first aspect of confidence is that it can be a learned.  No one is born confident.  We grow in confidence with time and practice.

A Lack of confidence on the other hand is not necessarily a bad thing.  It just means that there is opportunity to learn to be skillful or just to have experiences gained through exposure to a new situation.  For example, a lack of confidence in fixing a bulb is a result of not knowing how to and never doing it before.  Once we learn how to do and give it go, our confidence level will increase and when the need arises again, we would be more confident in performing that task.  

For example, I recently had a need to fix a tap which was wobbly.  I had no clue how to do it.  I could call a plumber, or I could learn how to do it on my own.  I decided to check out the source of all knowledge, YouTube, to see how easy or difficult it was.  I did my research on YouTube and found several easy to follow videos, figured out the tools that I needed and decided to just do it.  I bought all the necessary tools, borrowed some tools, and went about replacing the old with the new tap.  After many minutes of unscrewing and screwing, I was successful in replacing the old with the new tap.  I was so proud of myself.  Afterall, who would have imagined that I could be a plumber in disguise.  Due to that experience, I am now confident that if the need arises again, I can do it.  My confidence in replacing the tap was developed through learning the steps and then applying the knowledge.  Now, I could develop an unrealistic confidence of being able to do more than just replace the tap to major plumbing projects just because of one small success.  That would clearly be unrealistic. An unhealthy level of confidence is where the curse lies.  

The curse of confidence arises when you develop an unhealthy and unrealistic level of confidence.  The 3 pitfalls are:

  1. Stop Learning and Growing.
  2. Never asking for help.
  3. Not taking responsibility.

Stop Learning and Growing.  People with a false sense of confidence believe that they know it all.  When you believe that know everything and that you are right all the time, you are not able to ask yourselves questions or seek feedback in areas to improve and develop further.  There is no one who is perfect.  There is certainly no one who knows everything.  There is no one who is right all the time.  Ask any successful person and they will be the first to admit, how much they do not know and how much more they have to improve.  The heart of our development is the acknowledgement that we have so much so learn and develop and the only way to do that is know which areas to work on.  

Never asking for help.  If you believe that you know it all, you cannot accept the possibility that someone else knows more than you.  You are not able to accept any teaching or training because you believe that you know everything.  You will not be able to ask for help even if you know you need help.  It is just the curse of confidence.  You believe that you are the only one who is able to find the answer and know what to do.  That may be true, but the time and effort spent will be more than just seeking help from an expert.

Not taking responsibility for your mistakes and actions.  This is probably the one that impacts those around you the most.  When mistakes are made, instead of taking responsibility and owning the mistake, the blame game takes over.  Deflecting the problem and directing it at others.  This will not help solve any problems, but it will alienate you from people who could be the source of help that is needed.  Not owning one’s mistake does not demonstrate strength or good leadership but the opposite.  Everyone knows that mistakes will be made.  It is inevitable.  How we own up to the responsibility of the consequences of the mistake is what makes for a good leader.

There is a need for healthy confidence.  It is that balance that is delicate.  How do we achieve that balance?  What’s the cure?

The cure or solution lies in the following:

Allow your trusted advisers the gift of giving you authentic feedback.  Your friends or trusted advisers are gifts to your leadership health check-up.  Similar to seeing a doctor for a medical check-up, getting feedback from your trusted advisers is vital.  Allow or give them permission as they should have your well-being at heart.  The feedback that they are able to provide you will be invaluable.

Self-Awareness is a good radar system.   Exercise self-awareness.  It is a great self-checking system that you have.  Have a meeting with yourself and ask these simple questions:  What have I learned this week or month?  What situation or circumstances have you caught yourself being offended or defensive?  Are the people in my team staying away, avoiding or being hyper careful around me?  Have you noticed any changes in how you react to situations differently (negatively) than the past?

In a nutshell, confidence is essential but over-confidence is a curse and a stumbling block.  Keep yourself in check frequently and consistently.  Be aware of the red flags of your over-confidence zone.  Allow your trusted advisers to give you feedback and use your self-awareness radar to never stop learning and self-check up on your leadership through frequently seeking feedback.

Self Awareness: How do I find it?

The term “Self-Awareness” has been used over and over again.  I can remember this term being used in every performance review or during a discussion with a manager when some form of improvement needed to take place.  It was as if, just by using this word, awareness of a certain area of improvement would be acknowledged and actions be taken effectively.  I can also remember using the term.  However, did I really know or understand what it meant?

In Daniel Goleman’s article on What Makes a Leader? on the Harvard Business Review “self-awareness means having a deep understanding of one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and drives. People with strong self-awareness are neither overly critical nor unrealistically hopeful. Rather, they are honest—with themselves and with others.”  Now that we have a common understanding of what it is, the question is “How do we gain that deep understanding?“.

The first step of self-awareness is recognising and acknowledging that you want to gain awareness.  Recognising that you want to is both scary and powerful.  Scary as it might mean that you will discover certain areas that you are not happy with and powerful as it means that now you can do something about it.

My top 3 suggestions are:

  1.   Write a list or keep a journal.  This is the first step of recognising a need or an area. Writing a list of your strengths, goals or what you enjoy doing.  The process of writing and reading through the list will help you identify areas that you want to work on.
  2.   Connect with people.  Family, friends, mentor and coach are all resources that you can use to help you gain awareness in any area.  They are also your support group and cheer squad when you are on that journey to make improvements.
  3.   Self-care.  The need to take care of yourself is important.  If you are not at your optimum best health wise, its hard for your mind to focus on what you need to work on.   Eat healthy, rest or sleep well, meditate and exercise are all key areas that need to be taken into consideration.

Self-awareness can drive positive growth in all areas of your life.  Taking the first step will need you to overcome the initial fear but rest assured, the outcome will surprise and motivate you further.  It’s like riding a bicycle for the first time.  It’s scary, you will fall but you will get up and start again and then suddenly, it will all just click and you are cycling around like an expert.

Take a deep breath and start your journey.